Getting My Shit Together
The Independence Day holiday has come and gone. For me, July 4th is my marker that summer is about to rapidly disappear. This time around, this means that February 8, 2020 will be here sooner than later. I will be 40. I’ve already had a few conversations with friends on what I would LIKE to do. My ultimate “like”, a trip to Greece, is something I started planning in my head this past January. However, if I’m honest with myself, I procrastinated in getting the ball rolling in planning it out hardcore, to even putting money aside for it. Then again, 2019 has been a trashy year for me emotionally. A true Aquarius is always thinking light years ahead, but this year, it’s an accomplishment if I can think what’s up for the next day.
This year, I ended up dragging in some issues from last year, mainly concerning an 11 year relationship, as my ex and I (and his other woman) went through a dramatic grand finale. Then on top of that, the actions of a guy I considered a friend, close to the heart, was a bit hurtful. To be honest, our friendship had turned into an unhealthy “situationship,” and I’m starting to view his actions as a blessing…my out of another toxic relationship. It still stings when I give it some thought, but thanks to therapy, conversations with my close girlfriends, prayer and digging into a couple of good podcasts (Check out Demetria Lucas’s Ratchet and Respectable and Kenyon and Taccara Martin’s The Soul-Ties. These are some pretty dope and on-point podcasts.), I’ve started my “healing” process. So far what I had often wondered was confirmed, much of my emotional mess is tied to grieving my father’s passing, even though he has been gone for nearly five years now. So yeah, 2019 has been trash as far as my love life or anything concerning it.
But strangely, mid-year, 2019 has forced me realign myself spiritually and career wise. Lately I find myself praying more. I’m more prone to writing down my prayers. I’ve always known the power of prayer, but last year rolling into this year, God has shown me a few things. More specifically, last June I wrote down a VERY specific prayer. The emotional storm that has hit, I know it is God giving me what I prayed for, to be broken down and rebuilt.
Shit… even as I type this out I’m holding back tears.
Needless to say, the removal of the ex and the friend, was needed. I needed to focus. I even did something I haven’t done in years. I went to vacation bible school at my church. Coincidence? I think not, as this year’s theme for the adult class centered around leadership. A week later at work, I was offered a detailed assignment that has me, not only working as a communications director on the executive level of the local government, but I’m also serving as a communications cluster lead. As I’m filling in for the actual person in this role, this opportunity is still giving me the room to grow further in my field. On the creative side, I feel the push and hear the call for me to complete something in this realm. I have an unfinished manuscript. I have mountains of journal entries I can twist into short stories. I have encouragement from producers of a locally run show in which people share/perform a true story based on that show’s theme. People are looking to hear more from Mahoganie Jade Browne, a once vocal storyteller who suddenly became a shrinking violet.
You can imagine I have all sorts of feels as my 40th is lurking. While I am aware that everything is in God’s timing, often times I do wish I was more accomplished than where I am now. Maybe if I had only finished undergrad in 2002 when I was supposed to and not in 2010 at 30 with a kid in tow, then I would have had that coveted journalism job before the industry flipped. If only I were that household name, then….
I could write a list of shit of could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. But honestly, as emotionally messy my life is at times, my journey amazes me. I’ve come a long way. I’m still in awe how a year ago a horrid experience with vertigo took me all the way down and in a matter of months I’ve pretty much overcame that! Would I change it up? Some of it, not all of it. I will say the current emotional space I’m in, it’s uncomfortable. It’s literally a new norm for me, especially with the absence of my father and the removal of two men who remind me of a connection I have with my father. As I’m learning, healing is a process. So as much as I want this discomfort to pass like… yesterday… I know it’s not.
In the meantime, what am I going to do for my 40th? Since my budget is looking at me right now and laughing hysterically at the thought of Greece, thankfully I have a couple of friends living abroad. Well, one is living in Haiti another is preparing to move to East Asia (not naming specific country as she hasn’t announced yet). Both have offered their abroad home away from home land as an option.
I’ve also played with idea of doing something similar that I did for my 35th. My 35th birthday followed my father’s funeral (that previous December) and I was in the mood to celebrate life (clearly fighting grief). I invited a small group of friends, my core plus my ex, and had a dinner party at Sax, a plush, upscale restaurant with burlesque entertainment. My dinner party was my thank you to them for their love and support.
If I go that route, it will be another little fancy place, perhaps one with a view even in the dead of winter.
For right now, I’m still 39 (and fine). This summer has been good to me as I’ve been out and about celebrating new life, love and more with family and friends. I still have some “downer” moments, but again it’s part of the process of healing. I’m going to ride this out and pray that with 40 I’ve truly leveled up. No more toxic relationships, friendships, situationships, ownerships…whatever… I’m done with those.
