Pretty And Afraid
Odd title right? Especially since I’m suppose to enter the new year fearless right? Let me see if I can break this down a bit. For starters I’ve fallen in love with Jidenna’s newest album 85 to Africa. Yeah I’m a few months behind, but I finally caught on and it has been inspiring me creatively. While I’m in love with the entire album, there are a few standout cuts — Worth the Weight, 85 to Africa, Babouche, Sufi Woman — mainly because… well when I bump this in my truck the bass kicks so hard and I’m … as the “kids” say… “turnt.”
However, there is a cut Jidenna has on the album called Pretty and Afraid. After looking up the lyrics to get a better understanding of Jidenna’s (or the subject of the song) feelings it’s pretty clear…he wants some kind of liberation, perhaps even from the fame and lifestyle he has cultivated. He bluntly sings, “I’m in a sunken place. I’m in a, in a hole.”
Interesting enough, the life he wishes to escape from, he basically says others wish for it. How about that? However, the liberation he seeks isn’t in the form of death, he just wants to live a life of no regrets and perhaps not on survival mode. Ever think no matter how successful you are in life, you are always on survival mode? This is not uncommon for us black folk.
“Who you pray for? Who you pray for? Yeah
Who you pray for? Who you pray for? Yeah
Hey, heyYes, I will do, I will do, I will do whatever it takes
To avoid my ultimate fate
Pretty afraid
I’m pretty and afraid
Pretty afraid”
Through its uptempo melody, this feels like a Black man’s “song cry.” So what does this song mean to me…a black woman facing 40 in the face?
My birthday is in a few weeks. Never have I’ve been so excited and scared shitless of what this new decade of my life will bring. What am I scared of?
Well…ME!!
For the times I’ve looked myself in the mirror…I realize I can be my own worse enemy. Even though I’ve managed to live a life that does bloom from time to time, I wonder how often have I stunted my own growth. We’re all guilty of it. Yet, in this moment for me… this realization feels different.
Since I began the healing process from my “brokenness” I’ve been able to peel back a few layers and see me like I’ve never seen me before. It catches me off guard to the point I wonder if this is really who I am, am I’m acting out or is this a new, untapped me. Cigar and whiskey nights. Party hopping and rolling with my “girl tribe.” Am I really healing or just “bleeding.” Is life really this good and hurtful?
“This is as good as its gonna get”
No longer can I coast along. My world has been flipped upside down and I’m being forced to face certain truths. I’m uncomfortable and suddenly I’m a shrinking violet.
I love my core group of family and friends… my tribe. In the moments when I want to be a shrinking violet, they are my cheerleaders, touting my accomplishments and my best qualities until I finally say to myself… “wow I did do that” or “I am that.” But do I really want this life? Do I really want to be the writer, the public relations or public affairs chic? Do I purposely make decisions that stunt instead of encourage growth? Do I self-sabotage? Do I avoid certain people and situations not realizing that engaging could be something I need in order to grow further? What does my gut say?
That’s the thing…lately my gut is tied up in knots or is that simply gas?
The first Sunday of the new year I was in church listening to my pastor’s son begin a three-part series he has titled “I Owe You My Best Self.” He is teaching from the scripture Mark 12: 28–34. It seems simple to operate or give your best self to the Lord and BE your best self by living by the greatest commandment: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind and with your strength,” with the second greatest commandment being: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Here is where I struggle. I’m a slave to my distractions especially when I’m in a relationship. While I do love the Lord, my level of devotion and commitment falls short. I may have been malnourished in a sense that I let my relationship(s) feed me. Eventually I felt hunger pains. Some may call it growing pains but I realize my hunger for something deeper within love was causing me pain. I wanted something deeper than the occasional couples vacation and date nights.
As my main distraction(s) were removed — never mind that I prayed a very specific prayer asking to be broken down a year prior and it was answered— I fought against it. Self-sabotaging afoot? Then again, it could be just as one of my distractions once told me, “You don’t like it when you don’t have control.” Even though the context was applied to one situation, it really could be applied to plenty others.
So what do I do now? I promised myself to leave my emotional distress of 2019 right there. I sat in it and dealt with it long enough. There are some baby steps I’m taking, especially when it comes to trusting others and myself in the midst of not knowing what the future holds. The unknown is scary as hell, especially when you are use to putting your hands all in the pot in order to get the outcome you THINK you desire.
As February 8 comes closer, I’m continuing to work on myself… trusting myself, believing in myself and most importantly loving myself more. Because outside of loving the Lord, love for self is the love that wins. That’s the love that’s forever.
And when you have that, you can….“Love your neighbor as yourself.”
An abundance of love. That is a beautiful thing.
