The Ministry of Marriage
Bare with me on this one. This is a topic that has been brewing in me for a few months. The journalist in me usually has stats, data, anything to back up what I’m saying, but what if all I needed in this instance is my faith and just from my observances of others to know what I know? What do I know? Marriage isn’t something to play with or enter into lightly and in a world where everyone is quick to hashtag seemingly loving couples on social media as “relationship goals,” the bottom line is, that relationship could be on a struggle bus to actually go bust.
It’s wedding and anniversary season. I’m reminded of something my sister from another mother, LaDale, the Holy and Chic Mama, said to me during one of our many discussions about love, dating and marriage.
“Marriage is a ministry.”
Her statement hit me instantly and began to help me frame how I want to approach dating and marriage. I began to form my own questions; What would my ministry as a wife look like should I get married…if I get married? Does the ministry truly begin in the courtship phase?
Before she and her husband Jonathan packed up and moved their two girls to another country, we celebrated their 10 year anniversary a couple of years ago. She will be the first to admit that getting to that milestone was anything short of smooth, especially since neither of them had been married before. However, the love and respect they have for each other and being intentional about putting God first in their lives and marriage helped them to sustain and continue to go the distance.
I was honored to be by her side during their 10 year vow renewal and when she asked me to write a toast or dedication, I felt stuck. This was all taking place in the middle of my heartbreak. Yet, in a moment of stillness, the words came to me with ease, because ultimately despite everything, I still believe in love in its purest and genuine form and its something I believe exists in their marriage. Little do she and her husband know, writing that toast/dedication for them was truly my first step in healing from what I had experienced. Little does she know, I appreciate seeing glimpses of their marriage as it reminds me, this is no game and you definitely can’t just marry anyone… or settle.
It’s funny, in the midst of my breakup I was shocked that a few of my friends had the same thought. They all stood firmly in believing I was settling by trying to make something that didn’t want to work…work. Of course, being in the thick of everything I didn’t think so. My ex and I had talked about marriage, or getting married to each other, numerous times and in my mind I knew we would eventually make it to that point. I was on the “struggle love” train, thinking it was badge of honor to go through what I went though, even down to the disrespect.
Didn’t Beyonce’ write an whole album about this? He was the Jay-Z to my Beyonce’ and if the Carters could weather the storm, so could we, especially after 11 years. Wrong! For one, we weren’t multi-billionaires. Two, he was trying to tap into his DJ skills and my singing skills at best is good just for car karaoke. Three, we were on two different wavelengths, but I was determined until it blew up in my face. Still, I fought, flailing and all, until something clicked and said… it’s time to let go.
Close to the end of my relationship, I had been hearing the phrase struggle love and how Black women were beginning to rebuke relationships and marriages that were costing us our health and our sense of self . We were done giving our all to a situation that just didn’t give us the happily ever after for whatever reason. Point blank, it wasn’t healthy. In the end, we discover we potentially did it to ourselves or added fuel to a fire by not setting clear boundaries. When the damage is done, we are left holding the emotional bag when things go devastatingly wrong and the other person is seemingly detached and has already moved on full speed ahead; perhaps unhealed themselves. In the carnage, we are looking for our self worth that was somehow wrapped up with this person.
Even still, some of us may find something redeeming about the other person and there maybe thoughts of wanting them back, despite their unchanged behavior. For those of us that manage to wise up, we snap out of this thought and realize it’s a no go. Others of us may go as far as marrying that person or as my crew and myself call it… settling. In that case, co-dependency may be the name of the game.
The struggle love narrative isn’t anything new. It’s been going on for generations. It’s still happening. It’s in our face in a few reality shows (hello Love & Marriage and Real Housewives [insert your favorite city]) and in the gossip blogs (Google the latest “scandal” with Pastor John Gray or any of your favorite celebrities in struggle with their marriage or relationship). You would think there aren’t any couples in the struggle love realm, but thankfully I know one that isn’t. One that is also a ministry in the making.
December 2020, when my good girlfriend Jill told me she was engaged, I screamed at my phone. On the verge of tears, I was overflowing with joy for her. I consider Jill my big sister as she has counseled me on all things related to our careers, faith and love. I’ve been there with her for some of her dating experiences and even on the phone with her when she reluctantly became comfortable in her singledom as her 50s rolled in, and she remained steadfast in her “never settle” mode. However, when she least expected, her (now) husband, Terence entered the chat…. no really he did.
They talk about how they met on their YouTube platform of their (informal) ministry God-Ordained Unions. Their ministry formed after hearing from friends and family in their 50s how their relationship was giving them hope. What touched Jill particularly, were the Black women over 50 reaching out and wanting their chance for a happily ever after. She was taken aback by how many women she was coming across that had the desire for marriage, but had basically given up, because what they thought was love had burned them.
Before they go into the meat of things in any of their testimonial vlogs, they do make it known they aren’t experts and they are merely sharing what worked for them. Their ministry comes from the standpoint of how they allowed God work as their friendship-turned-courtship-turned-relationship happened organically. They speak in terms of “providence” or as many others call it out as “fate.” There was no struggle love to their courtship. There was no disrespect. Theirs is a solid friendship as they both respect each other’s individual lives and encourage each other along the way. In other words, Jill and Terence speak of a healthy love.
In one of the videos my friend Jill speaks of a phase, in which there was little to no contact from Terence. It’s a phase that she best describes as when God put Adam to sleep. Sure, this phase baffled her. She was left feeling a bit vulnerable, but in hindsight, she realized this was the positioning phase. God was preparing Terence for Jill and positioning both of them for what ultimately happened, entering into a relationship and later becoming engaged. Even before getting to that ultimate-ULTIMATE moment of walking down the aisle, there was another phase they realized they were out of alignment with God. Nothing seemed to work in their favor in this phase. They took a beat and re-evaluated themselves before moving forward. It was progress as it seemed God was telling them, “NOW you are in order.”
Their wedding took place a month ago, I was honored to witness Jill and Terence say “I do.” It’s something to be said when you attend a wedding weekend out of town and you can feel the love, fellowship and God’s spirit move throughout the whole weekend…even down to the wedding day with the couple asking the pastor to do an invocation before getting to the actual ceremony.
I came away from that weekend thankful to be reminded of what healthy Black love looks like. Yet, inner work is still needed, particularly as I think about what could potentially be my “love blocks.” This was a conversation that came up over that weekend among us ladies. Love blocks are the actions, thoughts or emotions that are holding you back. My friend Jill even associates this to something as simple as a statement that was made generations ago from great-great-grandma Sue about how men are not worth the time and energy, because of their bad experience. As words do have power, that simple statement could hold in the attitudes and actions for generations of women in a family because of one person’s bad experience.
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.” — Proverbs 3:3–4
Also, I came away from that weekend with this thought; not that you are or should bible thump folks, but I truly believe as husband and wife, there is a sense of ministering, even if it is just for the children in your household. Who else best to learn what true love — from the courtship to the marriage — looks like and what it means to keep God first in the household?
Though I never was that girl that grew up saying I wanted to be married or even dreamed of a wedding, I knew it was something sacred and all too serious to jump out there and say I do. My parents marriage, though not perfect, taught me about sacrifice and compromise and often brought up the question “what are you willing to lose in order to keep?”
I admit, I am a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to marriage. When my father was alive and well, he extended his blessings to my ex. This was before things took a turn with his health and in my relationship. Now that my father is gone, I would hope my husband to be would seek blessings from my mother and my daughter. This step is very important to me, because it signals the merging of our families.
Additionally, I look at taking my husband’s last name as more than a formality. I see it as you are taking on everything that is attached to that name, from the actual family and dare I say…. it goes deeper; including generational cycles or curses. And if both of your family houses have generational cycles that are detrimental…wow. This is another topic for another day.
Certainly, when it’s my time, I can only hope that my marriage exudes a ministry of healthy love as well. Until that time, I will continue to get my shine on as a single woman in her 40s, unwilling to settle, because this I know for sure…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:4–7
And that ladies and gentlemen…is a healthy love.
